Breakdown

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I don’t know what to do.

I don’t know what to do.

I’ve got a sick mom who feels like shit, is in extreme pain, she’s got hemorrhaging hemorrhoids that are seeping shit-smelling fluids. My dad pulled his calf muscle yesterday when we were on a run. Not a strain. A pull. That means he’s now gimping around, may need surgery and cannot by any means go for a run for a long, long time or do anything else athletic. That is how he and I both burn off our stress. I’m so pissed I don’t know what to do. Not to mention he’s my mom’s primary caregiver and now he has this shit to deal with. Just like the $10,000 bill he has to pay for radiation treatment my mom had at OHSU that insurance wont cover because OHSU is not in our fucking plan. She only went to OHSU because they, “they” being fucking doctors who are getting funding from my mom’s foundation told her to go there and that they would take good care of her. Sure. The fucking radiation didn’t work and now we have to pay ten thousand dollars. Ten thousand dollars. We pay nearly one thousand dollars a month on insurance premiums for the three of us for the shit to take care of us when we need it. Nope. Not taking care of this one. Fucking hospitals and pharmaceutical companies and doctors. Fuck!

Reuben, our four year old golden retriever, decided last Saturday to become depressed. Just snap. Like the flip of a switch. He was hardly moving, when he did, it was with his head down and at a snail’s pace. He wasn’t excited for anything. He ate about ten kibblets of his food that he wasn’t even excited to eat. He didn’t want any of his toys. No wagging tail. No shadow walking on my heels. Nothing. My dad was gone for the day. Mom was in bed all day. I decided to take him for a walk. He wasn’t excited but he went. As we walked he started to seem normal. Once we got back home though, back to blah. Once my dad came home, we took him to the vet. They gave him a physical exam¬––nothing. They ran a blood test to see if he was anemic¬¬––no. The vet said he may just have eaten something to make him feel sick. Well, if this were so, he was supposed to have diarrhea over the next couple of days––nope. With each passing day, he’s gotten a little better. I think all the stress around here just finally got to him. Right now, he’s almost his same old self.

As for me… I just had one of the biggest breakdowns I’ve had in five years. Half by myself, half with my mom, and a little extra with my dad. I feel a lot better now.