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There’s been a lot of muck in my dustpan the past few weeks. What’s new, huh? The thing is, heavy heart and all, some really awesome things have happened throughout this slump period, as aforementioned, but the recognition’s been swallowed by the swell of hysteria. So here is some positive catch-up news:
Fiddler on the Roof…please tell me you know it?! After enthusiastically informing a close friend that I was going to see the touring Broadway show, her response wasn’t equally enthusiastic. This stopped me dead. Would you believe she never saw the movie? First of all, this movie is pretty much a right of passage for any young Jewish child. Though my friend is not Jewish, I am, and she was granted her “Honorary Jew” status several years ago. So, how is it that in the nearly six years of our friendship, she has not seen this movie? I suppose it’s my fault. Well anyway, I went with my parents, brother and Alison, and it was simply wonderful. What made it especially special was the fact that the main character, Tevye the Milkman, was played by Chaim Topol. This is the actor that actually played the role of Tevye in the 1971 film. He is now 74-years old. His performance was flawless. He looked exactly the same with the exception of being a bit leaner. It was such a pleasant, relaxing night out. But most importantly, my mom was happy.
Another positive happening was seeing Paolo Nutini perform at the Crystal Ballroom with my dad. The show was terrific, as usual––I’ve seen him twice now. He’s one of those famous people that drives you crazy because you wish you could have him, but you know you never will. It was a fun night out with my dad––Because none of my friends could go, I decided to take my dad as a belated birthday gift. The show made me happy, but most importantly, I think it got my dad’s mind off of life for just a little while.
Next item: the OHSU Targeting Hope Celebration. What a gala affair! This is a dinner party that happens each year for the OHSU Knight Cancer Institute. The socialites and scholars of Portland pay a nice chunk of change to attend this event and drink Champagne, schmooze, listen to some speakers and eat delicious food. My mom and dad were invited to attend on behalf of the SHOC Foundation. They went last year. This year, my mom just didn’t feel well enough, and we can’t forget that dad screwed up his leg and was gimping around. So my brother and I went in their place. BUT, it wasn’t as simple as that…
My mom asked me if I’d want to go with a friend if Rich and Alison couldn’t go…Whoa! I said I would only go if it were with my brother. Before much more was discussed, my dad asked Rich if he and Alison would want to go; Rich talked to Alison; Alison said yes; Rich reported back with a thumbs up; I was pissed. I wasn’t pissed because they were going to get to enjoy this glamorous event all spiffed up in the ballroom of The Nines hotel and eat amazing food and listen to pretty music and hear about the new developments occurring in the cancer lab. Envious? A little. But, really I was mad because they were going to be representing my parents and the SHOC Foundation. My brother going made sense––he would represent our father. But as much as I love Alison, her going in my mom’s place just wasn’t right.
This little incident was kinda like the straw that broke the camel’s back. I broke down. Big time. I spoke with you the night of this breakdown. It’s session number 92209. That was one of the biggest breakdowns I’ve had in the past five years. My parents new I was upset as I hid in my room convulsing and writing and crying out my brains. My mom knocked, even in her tired state. I was mad. I couldn’t talk. But I felt so bad to ignore her. I opened the door, face askew, and she asked me to come talk to her. I did. I laid with her on her bed and did very little but cry. I couldn’t talk. The little voice in my head would be explaining how I was feeling, but my throat was just paralyzed. Words wouldn’t come out. After an hour or so, the smallest amount of explanation as to the way I was feeling somehow managed its way out of me. My mom realized she had made a mistake and asked me if I would go to the event in her place with my brother. I shook my head no though. I felt as though the deed was done; she was only asking me to go because she knew how upset I was. She tried to convince me otherwise, said she’d only thought of Rich and Alison because she wasn’t thinking about it from the representative standpoint. And in that case, she told me there was absolutely no one else she would rather go in her place than her daughter. We were both crying. My mom loves me so much. And it kills me to know that just as badly as I want to keep her here in my life, she wants to stay here and keep me in hers…
The evening celebration was beautiful. My brother and I enjoyed ourselves to the max. I hope next year, my mom and dad get to go again though. They deserve it.
No matter how shitty things are, the world continues to turn. Life happens whether you’re awake or not. Even in periods of slump and tears, there is still humor and laughter and fun. There’s still time to bake and run and sing. I have to remind myself this everyday.
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